Questions about courting to find a mate

I met this girl a couple of weeks ago at church. She doesn't go to the church but her sister does. She is going to school in Nashville. We starting talking online through facebook and then moved to emails. I'm really not trying to move to phone until I know more about her.

We email each other and ask each other questions. During this time she has brought up some things that I don't agree with. I am wondering, at what point do I back off with things that I don't agree with? I know I will not agree with all things. Let me share some examples. She listens to secular music, goes to dance clubs, how it sounds has jumped from one relationship to another and she drinks (which is not sinful in-and-of itself). I have been talking to her for over 2 weeks. I know its ovious that I don't know much about her but at what point do I say this is something we can work on if I was to pursue her and when do I say, these things I don't see in a women I want to pursue?

Anyone have any thoughts on this? How should I proceed?

Thanks fam!

RUN!!!

LOL....naw, I'm just kidding. Sorta. It really depends on certain things, man. You're in a really privileged position as a single guy right now. You can stay back and observe before you move in (sorry for sounding like a hunter, ladies).

But speaking of hunting, some would say, if you see a deer limping in the woods, shoot it. For it might be the easiest target you'll find. But what you need to consider is why is that deer limping. It could have gotten bitten by a snake and now is infected with some disease. That will kill you if you kill IT and eat it. Rather take the challenge of a trying to hunt a perfectly, "quick on its toes" deer and it'll be worth it in the end. Okay, maybe a bad analogy. Question is, what do you want? Do you want to pursue a girl who is like this girl? If not, then don't pursue her at all. You've got to lead your heart (I totally stole that from Fireproof) to look at this girl as a "sister-in-Christ" and nothing else. Don't get your feelings involved. Just treat her like she's NOT what you're looking for.

So many times we forget that we can "get to know" people WITHOUT titles and intentions divulged. Just stay friends and if they're not what you're looking for, at least you got a friend out of it. And if they are what you're looking for, when you move forward you can say (to some degree) I KNOW WHAT I'M GETTING INTO. Or I know this person. Too many times we get all the surface stuff out the way and then say "hey, let's court" and then during the courtship when feelings are no involved, we find out we're not compatible or we may simply need more growing but by then we've already committed emotions and now at least one party WILL be crushed if a severing must take place. Real talk.

Ask her... what is the chief end of man? lol

Seriously, is she saved? How do you know? Has she shared you her salvation story and is the fruit of the Holy Spirit evident in her life? I understand you mentioned about her having certain beliefs and stuff but check it out. Have you asked the sister about her?
How is her character? How is her relationship with her parents?

I also agree with what B.Morr said esp. that hunting part and no I'm not offended. hehhe.

CLER wrote:

Ask her... what is the chief end of man? lol

Seriously, is she saved? How do you know? Has she shared you her salvation story and is the fruit of the Holy Spirit evident in her life? I understand you mentioned about her having certain beliefs and stuff but check it out. Have you asked the sister about her?
How is her character? How is her relationship with her parents?

I also agree with what B.Morr said esp. that hunting part and no I'm not offended. hehhe.

Yeah, dude. I co-sign on what Claire said, man. All those questions she just asked...you will find it harder to get those answers if this girl KNOWS you like her. Cause all she will give you (for at least the net 3 years, if you're around that long) is the things she wants you to see. WE ALL DO IT. Ain't nobody "keeping it real" the minute they know somebody is feeling them. Please!

Us men gotta be smarter about how we approach women that catch our eye. You can find these things out without telling her your interests. Don't even ALLUDE to liking her. Just let her be herself and if she fails to meet just your standards (let alone does she have a desire to even meet the Lord's standards) you get this knowledge without having invested one emotion in that relationship and you can move on with a clear conscience. I'm telling you, bruvvm, its the way to go.

Are there any good books anyone knows about that may help in this area?

Thanks guys! I must admit, this is the first time I have tried to get to know someone in Christ like manor. It was all in the flesh before and that was over 6 years ago. So your replies are very helpful. I have asked her about her relationship with Christ. She told me her conversion story. She has a great relationship with her folks, from what her and her sister say. Her character is something I will get with time. To be SUPER honest, the hardest thing to do on my part is keep feelings out of the equation. But I totally agree, I must come at her as a brother in Christ trying to be a friend, not someone interested. I say that the feelings are hard because we easily decieve ourselves when it comes to someone of the opposite sex. Decieve in the sense of feelings.
I truly thank you guys for your replies. Please keep them coming if you have more to say. Also pray for me, that I keep Christ first and not myself.

Also, what Mike said, any books?

Books? I just wrote one in my last two posts.

But naw, I wish I knew of some books. Gimme a couple years and I write you one. I have read a couple but I forget their names. They were small books. Shadow of the Cross style. But they were helpful. I have never read I Kissed Dating Goodbye so I can't recommend I Kissed Dating Goodbye cause I Haven't Kissed Dating Goodbye. But that's a real popular book about "dating" if you will. I think naturally, most people after they hit 25 and they're not maried - if they desire to be - kissing dating goodbye may something they ain't tryna hear. Not saying its right, just real talk.

I think the advice given so far has been great. I am not currently in a relationship, nor have I been in a serious relationship in the past, but I can attest to getting emotions involved in a friendship too quickly, in which the outcome wasn't the most desirable. Just continue to walk in the wisdom of the Lord and treat her as a sister in Christ as said before.

I read a really good article a few months ago called 'A Guys Guide to Marrying Well' or something along those lines. Did anyone else read that article? I think it was on the Boundless website. You should check that out if you get a chance.

Anything new yet concerning this girl? Like, I'm curious as to what you like about her already. Like, what makes you interested in THIS girl as opposed to the other hundreds of thousands where you live?

I agree with what has been said. Let me just stress the importance of your position right now. You have only known this girl for a couple of weeks. You know the saying that goes something like, "You have a better view when you're on the outside looking in?" Something like that. Anyway, not only do you really not know this girl, but she lives a distance away from you and you haven't even connect via phone yet. If you think you are getting too close, this is the perfect opportunity to take a few steps back. And also, be honest with yourself. Take everything she's saying (and not saying) and consider them and really let the warning signs hit you, when/if they come. Its way too early to start feeling emotionally attached and attracted to her, so if you feel your hormones a-raging, step back a bit. Trust me. It pays to step back in the beginning of a friendship, then be 2-3 years into a relationship with someone you're in love with and are best friends with, and be forced to back up. TRUST ME!!!!!! That hurts something awful. And then you're kicking yourself because you knew better.

B. Morr wrote:

Anything new yet concerning this girl? Like, I'm curious as to what you like about her already. Like, what makes you interested in THIS girl as opposed to the other hundreds of thousands where you live?

Not really, still just communicating with her. I like that she has a heart for missions and for God's people. She likes being challenged in her walk and talking about the things of God. Why her over someone else, I don't know. There is nothing that is super stand-outish (there I got making up words again) about her. Why her over someone else? I don't talk to girls my age that often. There are non at my church and I don't know where to go to find them. So when I talked to this girl, she was going to a christian university, she loved the Lord and His people, knew God's word and had a heart to learn. So in those terms she is like alot of other girls, I just don't know were to find them and how to approach them when I do find them.

Jewel wrote:

I agree with what has been said. Let me just stress the importance of your position right now. You have only known this girl for a couple of weeks. You know the saying that goes something like, "You have a better view when you're on the outside looking in?" Something like that. Anyway, not only do you really not know this girl, but she lives a distance away from you and you haven't even connect via phone yet. If you think you are getting too close, this is the perfect opportunity to take a few steps back. And also, be honest with yourself. Take everything she's saying (and not saying) and consider them and really let the warning signs hit you, when/if they come. Its way too early to start feeling emotionally attached and attracted to her, so if you feel your hormones a-raging, step back a bit. Trust me. It pays to step back in the beginning of a friendship, then be 2-3 years into a relationship with someone you're in love with and are best friends with, and be forced to back up. TRUST ME!!!!!! That hurts something awful. And then you're kicking yourself because you knew better.

Thanks for the reply. This is the reason I haven't wanted to talk over the phone yet. I don't want to lead her down the wrong path of wrong ideas and emotions.

Thank you everyone for your responses. These are the things that will keep me level headed.